Allyship serves as a powerful antidote to stigma and bias — and it comes in many forms. To understand what kinds of support are most meaningful, we asked ADDitude readers who are members of the neuroqueer community to tell us what makes a true ally. Here’s what they said:

“A loyal ally speaks up and shuts down derogatory conversations even when a targeted party isn’t present. I’m proud to be that person for people who need support.” — Christine, Ontario

“A true ally is someone who listens to you and does not judge. I’m a woman who is gay and has ADHD. As a child, I had one particular teacher in high school who took me under her wing and supported me through very turbulent times as a teenager.” — Sally, Australia

“A true ally is someone who doesn’t project rejection. People with ADHD already have plenty of that and LGBTQIA people are set up to experience that even more strongly and frequently.” — An ADDitude Reader

[Read: The Clinicians’ Guide to Serving and Protecting LGBTQIA+ Youth]

“My mom. I was accepted always, no matter what. I realized that I fall on the queer spectrum only after her passing, but the unconditional love and acceptance I experienced from her as a kid made me not give a single crap if others didn’t accept me as an adult.” — Marla, New Jersey

“There is a social group that acts as ‘adopted’ family members for LGBTQIA community members who have been shunned by their biological families. This group shows up to events such as graduations and weddings to cheer you on. Being treated with so much kindness and compassion stops the shame spiral of feeling unworthy of love and happiness.” — FJ, Ontario

“School staff that make the environment hostile to bigotry.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I am bi and have ADHD, and I’m grateful that my friend group is full of other LGBTQ+ and neurodivergent people.” — Kelsie, Mississippi

[Read: “We Are Who We Are. There’s No Shame in That.”]

“I’m a member of the LGBTQIA community and my best allies have been good listeners who make space for me to figure out how I feel and what I want to do with my life.” — Meg, North Carolina

“The people who have been the most supportive are people who deeply understand the neurodivergent experience and have taken time to listen to me and understand what it’s like to have that experience with the added layer of queerness. It’s so much more complex and all-consuming than I think non-queer and neurotypical people can realize.” — Charles, Pennsylvania

“A true ally is one who genuinely wants people to express who they are.”  — Pamela, Quebec

How to Be a Neuroqueer Ally: Next Steps

• Read: All My Friends Are Neurodivergent — and Wonderful
• Read: Happily Neurodivergent — at Last
• Read: Coping With the Stigma of ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

These are the Mother’s Day gifts that ADDitude readers really want — more than flowers, chocolates, and even jewelry. So look no further for gift ideas that moms with ADHD raising children with ADHD say would make their lives easier, make them feel appreciated, and bring a smile to their (tired) faces.

Got another gift idea? Share it in the comments.

Gifts for Mom: What Parents Really Want

“I want three days all by myself with no priorities and no piles waiting for me when I get back.” — Krysta, Canada

“All new socks for everyone in my house and someone ELSE to match them for the rest of my life. But a realistic gift… I want new markers for my coloring books.” — Tammy, New Jersey

[Read: “My Mom Has ADHD” Stories of Growing Up with an ADD Mother]

“A foot rub. A session with an interior decorator.” — Jill, Maryland

“A spa weekend with my best friend in a neurodivergent-friendly environment.” — Esther, Kentucky

“No more Rx refill hassles would be a DREAM! And yes, extra sleep and a personal chef. Also having no plans would be pretty great.” — Barbara, Texas

“I ask my kids not to buy me a tangible gift. It is just one more thing I have to clean and maintain. To make me feel special, I ask them to do an errand I am avoiding, like drop off dry cleaning or return a purchase.” — An ADDitude Reader

[Read: “Housekeeping Is Not Motherhood.”]

“A sleep-in. Coffee brought to me. Breakfast cooked for me, and an outing organized by my husband. I just want to be a passenger for the day. I don’t want to make a single decision except about what I feel like wearing.” — Jolene, Australia

“Professional housecleaning is the kind of gift I’d like. A clean house helps me feel centered and grounded. Clutter makes me anxious.” — An ADDitude Reader

“A magic wand to solve all financial problems.” — Kate, Australia

“An extra 10 hours a day to do all the things I want to do and connect with all the people who I don’t have time to stay in touch with.” — Sally, Australia

“A night out with live music and someone else doing all the driving.” — Emily, North Carolina

“A re-do button! Or a pause one.” — Amber, Wisconsin

“To find a doctor or a psychologist who will actually LISTEN TO ME. (They say children aren’t heard? Neither are mothers.)” — Winter, New Mexico

“Getting meds more easily would be nice…and having my child take them without arguing would be even nicer.” — An ADDitude Reader

“A live-in massage therapist.” — Brenda, Massachusetts

“Someone to clean the bathrooms for a year.” — Anne, Australia

“Someone to take all the responsibility away from me for a day. To have dinner made, the kitchen cleaned, the laundry folded, etc.” — Marla, New Jersey

“As a mom, I would love an hour of extra sleep sometimes! (Well, maybe most of the time.) But I am just thankful and love the support I get from my family. They truly help me keep going every single day. My partner supports me in every aspect and for that, I am so blessed.” —  Glady, Oregon

Gifts for Mom: Next Steps

• Shop: 10 Books Every Woman Should Read After Her ADHD Diagnosis
• Read: The Bumbling Dad Trope, Reversed — On Motherhood with ADHD
• Read: A Tribute to My Mom, an ADHD Trailblazer
• Read: To My Kids — A Love Letter from Your Scatterbrained, Unpredictable, Truly Lucky Mom

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

But if you’ve tried some of these ADHD interventions with limited success and ended up feeling like you “failed” at treatment, rest assured that you did not -— and you’re not alone in feeling this way.

In ADDitude’s recent treatment survey, we asked 11,000 readers about their experiences with 10 different kinds of treatments for ADHD, from medication to meditation. Readers shared what worked and what didn’t, plus stories of how painful the process of finding effective treatment can be, especially for those with rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), perfectionism, or feelings of shame.

“I felt as though I flunked mindfulness because I couldn’t pay attention for that long!” said one ADDitude reader. Another shared: “I felt like I was failing in talk therapy when I couldn’t talk in straight lines or remember what I had just said.”

Robyn, an ADDitude reader in Canada, simply said, “I always feel like I’m failing.”

[Read: ADHD and the Epidemic of Shame]

Feelings of Failure, Easily Triggered and Intense

Many people are quick to blame themselves when supplemental therapies don’t work as rapidly or as well as they’d hoped. This instinct has everything to do with the wiring of the ADHD brain, explains Tamar Rosier, Ph.D., in the ADDitude article, “Silence Your Harshest Critic — Yourself.”

“Neurotypical people have prefrontal cortexes that act like a butler. ‘Sir,’ the butler calmly says, ‘your keys are on the table.’ Or ‘Madam, you must leave now if you want to be on time,’” Rosier explains. “Instead of a tranquil butler, individuals with ADHD have an angry neighbor threatening them with his shoe. ‘If you lose your keys again,’ he yells, ‘I’ll throw this at you!’”

Zak, an ADDitude reader in Florida has experienced this first-hand: “My doctor is still working with me to get the meds correct and I feel at times it’s my fault; that I am the one whose body is not adjusting.”

[Download: 2024 Scorecard of ADHD Treatments]

For many, these feelings of falling short or failing to meet expectations are amplified by RSD, which triggers intense emotional sensitivity and pain, explains William Dodson, M.D., LF-APA in “How ADHD Ignites Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.” “For people with RSD, these universal life experiences are much more severe than for neurotypical individuals. They are unbearable, restricting, and highly impairing.”

This description resonates with ADDitude reader Calvin in Florida. “When I have tried things like mindfulness, exercise, or therapy, I have not had success and I just felt awful,” Calvin says. “I thought mindfulness might help to end the snow-piercer-like train that lives in my head, but instead I felt like a child unable to do a simple concept.”

In addition to the neuroscientific factors that play a role in triggering feelings of failure, a long history of negative experiences exerts a powerful force, says J. Russell Ramsay, Ph.D., ABPP, clinical psychologist.

“Adults with ADHD are often more susceptible to feelings of failure and defeatism when undertaking new endeavors,” Ramsay explains. “This is likely due to past experiences with setbacks, which often result in criticisms. This, in turn, makes adults with ADHD sensitive to the first signs that something seems to not be going well.”

Clinical psychologist Sharon Saline, Psy.D., agrees, adding: “These past struggles resemble a thousand paper cuts per day and accumulate over time into larger wounds which leave sensitive scars. Feelings of shame and not measuring up haunt folks and make it tougher to try new things.”

How to Reframe Feelings of Failure

Experts agree that to optimize treatment for ADHD, trial-and-error is essential. The “error” part of that process can be demoralizing, but it is critical. To discover interventions that work, you’ll have to try ones that don’t — and knowing that from the get-go can be helpful.

“It is important to normalize setbacks as a part of the process of establishing new habits. It is rarely, if ever, a straight line,” Ramsay says. “Reframing a new habit as a challenge or as an experiment is important, as is setting up realistic expectations.”

“I have a hard time planning and sticking to a good regular habit, like exercise and mindfulness meditation. I used to get so aggravated with myself, and feel helpless,” says an ADDitude reader. “My therapist has taught me to not make a big deal of it and simply get back on track.”

Fine-tuning the therapies, lifestyle changes, and medications that best address your particular constellation of symptoms — and dealing with the emotional fallout of that process — is hard work, make no mistake. You can make that hard work a little easier by being kind to yourself, says Saline.

“Treat yourself with compassion, understanding that change usually involves forward motion along with some backsliding,” Saline urges. “Stumbling, regrouping and trying again is part of living for everybody—ADHD or not.”

 Fear of Failure & Treatment: Next Steps

• Read: You Are Worthy of Self-Compassion – How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism
• Read: “My Fear of Failure Becomes Paralyzing Perfectionism”
• Free Resource: Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Though loneliness is a tangled knot with many threads, for the neurodivergent, many of the contributing factors relate to a lack of understanding and empathy from others. Eighty percent of readers reported that ADHD contributed to their feelings of loneliness. Specifically, they pointed to the following contributing factors:

• Masking who they really are: 60%
• ADHD stigma or misunderstood symptoms: 43%

But breaking through this darkness was a bright beacon of hope: Half of readers shared that they relate best to other neurodivergent individuals. We asked them to tell us about these neurodivergent friendships and they shared stories of stimulating, dynamic relationships with tons of shared experiences and humor and little judgment and nonsense.

These accounts show how neurospicy friendships can help address loneliness by banishing stigma, masking, and criticism.

[Read: 10 Covert Signs of a Toxic Friend]

“Being with other neurodivergent folks validates my experience of living with ADHD. There’s less judgment between us as well and we don’t need to mask around each other.” —Siobhan, Canada

“Without meaning to, I have realized that most of my friendships are with neurodivergent people. I love to hang out with other ‘weird’ people. They make me feel safe.” —Sarah, Canada

“It often feels like I am an Apple computer in a Windows world. Meeting and recognizing others with similar processors make me feel less flawed and less alone or odd.” —J.P., United Kingdom

[Read: What Type of Friend Are You? How ADHD Influences Friendships]

“It’s such fun interacting with someone as scatty as I am. We strike sparks off one another.” —Anne, South Africa

“There’s no need to worry about switching conversations often, there’s an understanding of the struggles, there’s no need to explain behavior. All of this results in less guilt or shame.” —Rukki, Australia

“I have ADHD, and one of my sisters has OCD, and dyslexia. We are inseparable, and always have been. We ‘get’ each other like no one else in this world. We are the yin and yang.” —Mary, Illinois

“I don’t have to mask as much around other neurospicy folks due to them normalizing some of my behaviors.” —Lyza, Michigan

“Other bright ADHD folk are catnip to me: fast-paced, interesting conversations and no judgment, cocked eyebrows when we speak of having had many jobs, having moved around frequently, having tried and deserted many hobbies, etc. Too often, ‘normies’ can feel a bit dull, sterile, linear.” —Lesley, United Kingdom

“I feel more understood, and am able to have deeper conversations about interesting things (not needing to manage small talk and uninteresting conversations).” —Emily, United Kingdom

“My bestie and I can have odd, disjointed conversations and still understand each other, partially because we have a long history and because she’s also neurospicy.” —Sarah, Vermont

“All healthy and successful relationships with friends or partners are or have been fellow neurodivergent individuals.” —Aspen, Wisconsin

“I am shocked at how many of my closest friends are neurodivergent. It seems that we have flocked together, probably because we are birds of a feather.” —An ADDitude reader, California

Neurodivergent Friendships: Next Steps

• Watch: 7 Secrets to Making and Keeping Adult Friends
• Read: “I Found My Neurodivergent Safe Space, Where ‘Socially Awkward’ Is the Norm.”
• Self-Test: How Severe Is Your Loneliness?

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

What’s it like to live with two neurotypes with overlapping and sometimes opposing traits? How do features commonly associated with autism — like strict adherence to routines, special interests, and stimming — harmonize or clash with ADHD features like hyperfocus, impulsivity, and novelty-seeking? How do common experiences with social functioning and masking show up? Here’s what ADDitude readers told us about the AuDHD experience and what they wish the world knew about living with autism and ADHD.

“I often feel like a living contradiction. I want order but cannot maintain it. I want to be systematic and precise but struggle with it, which leaves me constantly feeling not good enough (to my own standards) and like I can never quite ‘get there.’” — Samantha, Australia

“They require opposing needs sometimes. For example, I will often need a schedule to get things done, but a schedule that is too strict will feel conflicting. Generally, though, they help me have a unique and creative outlook on life. I am a hard worker and both good with the details and making quick connections. I can see to the heart of things. Being AuDHD doesn’t make my life as hard as being in a fundamentally ableist world does.” — Kaz

“They both amplify my executive functioning differences and sensory challenges. Medicating my ADHD also allows me to ‘push through’ some of my autism differences, which often leads to burnout and sleep issues. Sometimes my traits are in conflict, like wanting to take my time and be perfect but not having the attention span to do so. My ADHD brain signs me up for more than my autistic brain can deliver at times and vice versa.” — Dan, Australia

[Get This Free Resource: Autism Evaluation Checklist]

“When I do not have to box myself into typical working patterns, I find that autism and ADHD become complementary partners. I can create intricate plans while maintaining creative curiosity and flexibility. In terms of creative projects, this works wonderfully and allows a productive organic flow. What I wish others understood about me is that it’s the rigidity of the world that’s stopped me expressing myself and being productive. If I’m given the space, I can do wonderful things. The suffering comes when all of this magic is inhibited by fear in doing things differently.” — Chris, United Kingdom

“When my adult son misses social cues or feels socially awkward because of his ASD, the rejection sensitive dysphoria from his ADHD kicks into high gear, creating a cycle of embarrassment and frustration.” — Heather, Wisconsin

“I find they conflict often. My autistic brain is very logical and controlled, while my ADHD brain is ‘Yay! Just do it!’ It is exhausting.” — An ADDitude Reader

“My ADHD wants a million things to hyperfocus on while my ASD is happy with one or two. My ADHD wants to do ‘all the things,’ my ASD gets overwhelmed by it. They’re constantly clashing, so I look for ways I can support one with the other.” — Sharyn, Australia

[Read: How Can I Get Evaluated for Autism as an Adult?]

“I have diagnoses of both autism and ADHD, but I view these less as things I ‘have’ and more as labels that can go on my medical records to legitimize my difficulties with attention, memory, self-regulation, and verbal communication. Neither label on its own nor the combination is totally accurate to describe my disability. I wish that people understood that, while my mannerisms, difficulty communicating my needs, and difficulty regulating my own behavior may seem childlike, I’m a mature adult. Ideally, I would like support with these skills without being infantilized as I frequently feel I am.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I’m 51 and only started with ADHD medication this year. I’m a master at masking, and over all of these years I was able to find a balance between the two to function for the most part in ‘normal’ society. When I started Ritalin, it was magic for my ADHD symptoms, but what I didn’t see (but my psychiatrist and those around me did) was that my autism came out in full force. It was terrible for me at work, affecting relationships with colleagues negatively as well as with my husband. So I was switched to another medication, which frankly doesn’t work so well at all, but still sufficiently dampens my autistic traits. I am by no means expecting perfection, but I have yet to find a balance with which I’m satisfied.” — An ADDitude Reader

“My symptoms make me somewhat of an outcast, especially as an adult, in most situations. Both disorders cause me to miss social cues or misunderstand them. It’s likely why I constantly overshare. I am incredibly fidgety and stim all the time. I am always looking for some kind of dopamine-producing situation, so I’m easily distracted and/or bored and I hyperfocus a lot. Some benefits of being AuDHD include hyperfocus, love of menial tasks, calming down by stimming, ease in talking to new people, and sympathy/empathy for others.” — Jordan, California

“Not understanding myself and what AuDHD is — that is what hurts my mental health the most. I think I would value myself and my quirks more if I understood myself better from a neurodivergent perspective rather than a broken neurotypical one. I was diagnosed late and I’m struggling to accept that my life didn’t have to be this hard.” — CJ, Australia

“The biggest challenge with autism is spending lots of time figuring out what everyone means or why they behave in certain ways and how I’m meant to respond. Combined with ADHD and trying to get through the day with the jumble in my head and a brain that never stops, I’m exhausted a lot of the time. Exercise really helps. I’ve given up wanting or needing others to understand me.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I live with both ADHD and autism. I am very newly diagnosed and I am still working through all of the self-forgiveness that comes with realizing that my underachievement in life, emotionality, super-strong empathy, and easily-overwhelmed nature are not character flaws. I can see the benefits, such as being a very observant person who finds beauty in things that many people don’t tend to notice. I know I am lucky to feel things as keenly as I do but these traits also get in the way of feeling and acting ‘normally.’ I constantly wonder how other people have such thick skin. I also think that my ADHD — especially impulsiveness, big-picture thinking, optimism, and creative drive — tends to pull me out of bouts of depression that my autism would otherwise remain in. A tug of war is how it often feels, and if I look at my feelings/mood/outgoingness over a two-week period, some days will look the absolute opposite of others.” — Kellie

“Autism makes me an extreme rule follower. When ADHD impulsivity comes into play, it makes me angry with myself because I’ve ‘broken a rule.’ Both can play into agoraphobia and social interaction; At any point, I am either trying to either blend into the wall or thinking about how abnormal I am even as I try to chat and sound normal.” — Sandy, Massachusetts

“Autism makes some routine necessary. ADHD rebels against it. I have to make routines that allow me to change out parts. AuDHD keeps my life from becoming boring.” — Cassandra

“I was recently diagnosed with autism at the age of 63. I am female, so maybe that is why my diagnosis came late. I’ve known about my ADHD for many years. I didn’t always like myself, being so odd and all, but now I am fine with it. Actually, I don’t want to be like other people. I may be odd, but I am also gifted and you will not forget me. Getting older allows you to become who you were always meant to be, and that is very good.”. — Jane, Texas

AuDHD: Next Steps

• Self-Test: Autism in Adults
• Read: ADHD and Adult Autism – Symptoms, Diagnosis & Interventions for Both
• Read: “Could I Be Autistic, Too?” Signs of Autism in Women with ADHD
• Read: “How I’m Improving the Workplace for Adults with Autism”
• Get the Free eBook “The Truth About Autism in Adults”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹ Hours, C., Recasens, C., & Baleyte, J. M. (2022). ASD and ADHD Comorbidity: What Are We Talking About?. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 13, 837424. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2022.837424

² Rong, Y., Yang, C-J, Jin Y, Wang Y. (2021). Prevalence of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in individuals with autism spectrum disorder: a meta-analysis. Res Autism Spectr Disord. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rasd.2021.101759

In addition to draining limited reservoirs of stamina, time, and patience, the monthly ordeal of searching for stimulants often includes upsetting encounters with pharmacy staff. Among ADDitude readers who use ADHD medication, 38% report that they’ve been made to feel like a “criminal” or “addict” when trying to obtain their prescribed medication. They share stories of encountering wariness, annoyance, and even downright hostility at the pharmacy, all of which exacerbates an already exhausting ordeal. In some cases, this refill process is so fraught with negative emotion that readers report re-thinking their decision to take medication at all.

You’re not alone if you have been made to feel judged, embarrassed, or interrogated. Here, readers vent about experiences they’ve had while trying to locate prescribed stimulants in the middle of an unprecedented shortage.

“For the love of all that is holy and all that is not, the pharmacies need to stop treating us like we are addicts. Yes, I am desperate to get my ADHD medication. But it is not so I can abuse it or sell it! It is because I desperately need the medication that makes my brain work well enough so that I can keep my job, so that I don’t make mistakes that might be dangerous, like getting distracted driving. Treating us, every single time, like we are possible criminals? It just makes everything so much harder.” —An ADDitude Reader

“I have to meet with the pharmacist each time I pick up my prescription, as if I don’t know what the medication does. It’s extremely embarrassing and it makes me debate whether I need to take it at all. Because I’m Black, there’s an additional layer to the stereotype of being ‘on drugs.’” –Paris, California

[Read: How the Adderall Shortage Is Casting a Long Shadow on ADHD Treatment]

“I compare it to making a heart patient run a marathon before filling their medicine. They are asking us to do the hardest task (that the medicine helps us with) and then they look at you weird for making the mistakes that ADHD causes! It usually ends in tears monthly.” —Brandy, Louisiana

“I’ve had pharmacies tell me to “take my drug-seeking somewhere else” when I called to ask if they had 10 mg Adderall in stock. Others have commented that I ‘don’t look like the kind of person who uses this,’ as though ADHD has a ‘look?’” —Mel, Idaho

“I had to have the pharmacist speak to one of the techs once because she made a comment about ADHD being a ‘made up’ thing. I was incredibly offended and was made to feel ashamed.” —Jennifer, Colorado

“I feel uncomfortable each time I have to get my prescription filled — a prescription that helps me function and not self-medicate as I used to prior to my diagnosis. It is incredibly frustrating!”  — An ADDitude Reader in Tennessee

[Read: “This Cannot Be the Price We Pay to Function.”]

“It’s a crappy process that I repeat for myself and both of my kids. I feel like I am begging for meds; it makes me feel looked down on and judged.” —Sarah, Washington

“I feel like a criminal every time I call a pharmacy. Often, I just go without, instead of feeling like a criminal.” —Mary Kate, Massachusetts

“I have to mentally prepare myself before I call the pharmacy because I never know how they’ll react. Phone calls are one of my biggest anxiety triggers, so it’s been really difficult to manage.” —Rachel, Kansas

“The pharmacy often has to revalidate the prescription, which makes me feel like I am being monitored for misuse. Increased inaccessibility makes me second-guess my choice to get medication assistance for my ADHD.” —Isabella, Ohio

“If you call for a refill a day early, you can get labeled as a drug-seeker. If something isn’t working or isn’t helping, I can’t talk to my doctor the way someone might be able to do with a sprained ankle.” —An ADDitude Reader

“We have never had a problem misusing our medications or being over-prescribed, and yet most mainstream pharmacies act like we’re trying to do something wrong when filling these prescriptions. I worry about my child not being willing to deal with this when they get older if they still need these medications.” —An ADDitude Reader

“My medication was out of stock everywhere and when I called around, the vast majority of pharmacies were very cold and callous about it and treated me like I was a crazy person for asking questions. They acted like if I needed ADHD medication I must be abusing it. Absolutely zero empathy for the fact that you can’t access a prescribed medication you need.” —An ADDitude Reader

Adderall Shortage: Next Steps

• Free Download: 2024 Scorecard of ADHD Treatments
• Read: Call to Action! Speak Up to End the ADHD Drug Shortage
• Read: The Real Reason ADHD Medication Supply Is Lagging Demand
• Hub: Stimulant Shortage

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

ADHD traits such as distractibility and impulsivity may have benefited our ancestors as they foraged for food, and they continue to play a crucial role in how people with ADHD adapt and survive, suggests new research published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B Biological Sciences.¹

University of Pennsylvania researchers recruited 457 study participants to play an online virtual berry-picking game. The goal was to collect as many berries as possible within eight minutes by hovering their cursor over bushes. The players could stay at a bush or move to another, which would incur a brief timeout.

Slightly less than half (45%) of the participants screened positive for symptoms consistent with an ADHD diagnosis, though this did not constitute a diagnosis because it was a self-reported assessment. Those participants spent shorter periods in each patch and achieved higher reward rates than did participants who did not exhibit ADHD traits.

The results indicated that populations with nomadic lifestyles that benefited from exploring tended to have genes associated with ADHD. Those ADHD traits continue to serve a function today.

“We speculate that ADHD serves as an adaptive specialization for foraging, thus explaining its widespread prevalence and continued persistence in the human population,” the researchers said. “This tendency to explore while foraging might extend to other behaviors such as cycling more frequently between information sources in the classroom or sources of stimulation in the home environment.”

While the study had limitations, the theory as to why ADHD exists — and prevails — may be validating for people with ADHD. Could ADHD traits needed for exploration, such as distractibility, impulsivity, or restlessness, help adults or children with ADHD adapt and thrive? Might this research help educate others about the condition? We asked ADDitude readers for their viewpoints.

“There Is Power in Understanding”

“Yes! I love this theory. I can see how flitting from berry bush to berry bush with my ‘Oooh, look over there!’ brain could have helped my clan thrive.”

“I find it very validating that we are ‘wired for survival.’”

“I absolutely think this theory can help educate others about the condition. However, it’s important not to minimize the struggles that come with ADHD because our modern world is geared toward neurotypical individuals. Put the ADHD mind in an environment it was made for (i.e., foraging), and it will thrive! We need to have a more inclusive view of ADHD and acknowledge both the struggles and the strengths.”

“I find this so validating! Our society and culture make me feel like I’m never good enough. I wish it were the norm to celebrate our unique strengths. We still have a long way to go, but I feel there’s a shift in that direction.”

“As an end-of-career psychotherapist, I got so excited when I read this research. There is power in understanding that we did (and do) indeed belong in the human circle.”

“I loved learning about this theory and that we would have been the ones to think outside the box and find solutions.”

“ADHD Traits Help Me Adapt and Thrive”

“I do feel like my ADHD traits have helped me adapt and thrive. Because of my restlessness and distractibility, I keep up with the latest information in my career. My impulsiveness has allowed me to take risks in my job and other areas of my life, which have turned out incredible (e.g., finding the love of my life, ending up in a career I never imagined that I love, etc.).”

“I travel and have moved a lot for work. If it weren’t for my ADHD, I wouldn’t be as successful as I am today and okay with constantly moving and changing my environment and structure.”

“Because of my ADHD, I have a much wider knowledge base on a self-reported assessment, which is useful when searching for an innovative solution to a problem. The downside is that my ADHD traits have hindered me from becoming an expert in a single subject.”

“Theories Are Great, But Attitudes Need to Change”

“I found the theory interesting and a little validating. I’d really like to see research on the potential evolutionary advantages of two other ADHD traits: hyperfocus and time-blindness.”

“I find it somewhat validating, but more often, I wish my brain would ‘get with the times.’”

“We live in a linear world. I’ve lost out on more jobs because I couldn’t give a linear answer in a job interview and seemed scattered and disorganized. Theories are great, but it’s the attitudes out there and stereotypes that need to change.”

“We Shouldn’t Have to Justify ADHD”

“Frankly, we shouldn’t have to justify ADHD based on a theoretical evolutionary advantage. I’m sick to death of having to sell the validity of disabled people as human beings to an uncaring mainstream. To be considered ‘fully human,’ the average neurotypical person does not have to demonstrate their utility (or the utility of people who shared their traits in the ancestral environment). I don’t think it’s great advocacy to lean on this stuff heavily today.”

“The theory sounds preposterous to me. Distraction, impulsiveness, and depression ruined what might have been a productive life worth living.”

“I don’t buy into the theory at all! Being distracted or impulsive while foraging for food means I’d get eaten first by the lion while those without ADHD would have run to safety.”

“This isn’t helpful. No matter what we tell ourselves to make us feel better, ADHD is not a positive trait. The people with ADHD that we see thriving in the media are the unicorns, not the norm. It won’t help educate others, but it will be a fun fact to tell my son, who has ADHD.”

“I don’t appreciate people saying that the things I struggle with daily are an evolutionary trait or ‘superpower.’ Living in the world with ADHD is hard, and it makes my life more difficult. I wish I didn’t have ADHD.”

“This theory is only validating if it leads to improvements or advances in treatment or ways to handle ADHD symptoms. Is it going to help me get stuff done? Will it help my child succeed in school, be a competent and caring adult, and have meaningful friendships? If not, it might be interesting to think about, but otherwise, it doesn’t matter much to me.”

Sources

¹Barack, D.L., Ludwig, V.U., Parodi, F., Ahmed, N., Brannon, E.M., Ramakrishnan, A.M., and Platt, M.L. (2024). Attention Deficits Linked with Proclivity to Explore While Foraging. Proceedings of the Royal Society B Biological Sciences.doi.org/10.1098/rspb.2022.2584.

Many ADDitude readers gravitate to volunteer opportunities that make a difference while harnessing their ADHD energy and creativity. Traits like hyperfocus, justice sensitivity, and compassion, our readers say, make them well suited to be of service.

The benefits of volunteering are plentiful. Being of service with like-minded people raises self-esteem and feelings of belonging, both crucial to warding off one of the most pressing public health issues of our time: loneliness.

“Service is one of the most powerful antidotes we have to loneliness,” said U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy in his podcast House Calls. “When we help other people, that helps us feel connected to them in that moment, but it also reminds us that we have value to bring to the world.”

Here, ADDitude readers tell us how and why they devote their free time to volunteering.

The Power of Service for ADHD Brains: Benefits of Volunteering

To Increase Connections and Skills

“I volunteer for our church in different ways — being a greeter on Sunday mornings, cooking and serving meals for special events, distributing goods to those in need. Volunteering brings me out of my shell; I’ve met so many new friends.” — Gretchen, California

[Read: Resilience Begins with Responsibility — the Power of Service for Kids with ADHD]

“I volunteer on the committees of several community music groups in which I play, which gives me the benefit of having friends with shared interests and a chance to use my leadership skills. ” — Bronwyn, New Zealand

“Volunteering has helped me to get to know some of the people I serve alongside a bit better, so it definitely has that social benefit for someone like me who struggles a bit with social interactions.” — Trish, South Africa

To Raise Self-Esteem and Self-Efficacy

“My volunteer work makes me feel good about myself and useful. This is especially important to me because I don’t feel like my life has amounted to much, largely due to my ADHD. Before I retired, I was always underemployed and never found satisfying work. My volunteering connects me to other like-minded people with whom I enjoy working.” — Susan, New York

“Volunteering helps with self-esteem, drive, and purpose. It helps us lead meaningful lives. Many adults with ADHD have heard a lot of negative feedback over their lives, which can be debilitating and wearing. Volunteering helps them hone in on their strengths and shows them that their contributions are not only needed but also valued.” — Cheryl, Illinois

[Read: Perfect Is a Myth — and Other Self-Esteem Boosters]

“I volunteer as a Bible teacher. This is wonderful as it takes my focus off myself and makes me happy, as I remind myself and other people that we do not have to be perfect.” —Tanya, Australia

“I am 70 years old, and I am  in training to be a volunteer chaplain for first responders and for families/survivors of critical incidents. Volunteering, especially for those of us who are no longer tied to a full-time career, is very important for our sense of self-worth and provides us with the assurance that we are still needed. The opportunity to work and train with like-minded individuals and to give back to those on the front lines who serve and protect their communities helps me get excited about each day, even when my ADHD symptoms and other challenges wear me down.” — Cecelia

To Put ADHD Traits to Good Use

“I volunteer at the local elementary school. It gives me structure, and a never-ending stream of variety and stimulation. I feel like it’s an environment where the strengths of ADHD can really shine through. The kids love the energy and spontaneity and different ways of thinking about things, and the adults love that I bring a fresh perspective about their neurodivergent students. Besides, it doesn’t take long to pick out one of ‘my kiddos.’ It takes one to know one, and I love offering them both validation and tips. — An ADDitude Reader

“I volunteer at a Habitat for Humanity ReStore. My ADHD loves the novelty of all the new donations I process. I thrive on the organized chaos of preparing for the store to open: I hustle when the 11 a.m. opening looms! It’s also a great opportunity to be creative when staging an area.”— Michelle, Mississippi

“My enthusiasm is usually less out of place in volunteering. It also helps me to feel more useful in life generally.” — K, North Carolina

“I volunteer with kids. My ADHD helps me have the energy to engage, be spontaneous, not take myself so seriously, and be more childlike.”— Mia, Wyoming

To Explore New Worlds (Under No Pressure)

“Volunteering is a way for us with ADHD to be able to try different things or wear different hats. For example, volunteering at the library and the animal shelter are ways for me to feel a bit like both a librarian and an animal rescuer or vet assistant at once, without me necessarily having to settle on one or to need to go back to school.” — Helen, Arizona

“I volunteer as an usher at a local performing arts center. After welcoming ticket holders, I watch the performance, and I’m often left inspired. Because many ADHDers have multiple interests, volunteering is a superb way of getting involved with whatever we fancy at the time, without a huge commitment.” — Michelle, Mississippi

To Better Manage ADHD

“I taught Sunday school and directed a children’s choir. The benefits of staying busy far outweigh not having anything to do. The more activities I have going on, the better focused and organized I am. If I am not busy, I don’t get anything done and my time management goes right out the window.” — Kathleen, West Virginia

“I volunteer at my kids’ school by chaperoning field trips, proctoring tests, and assisting in the front office. I like that when I’m volunteering, I am focused solely on the task at hand whereas at home I jump from project to project, never completing anything!” — Erica, North Carolina

“When I get a chance to volunteer, it’s a lovely way to break away from my routine and remind myself that I can make friends anywhere. It also helps me learn new skills, which keeps me stimulated. Both of these factors help with my ADHD and the former also helps with my RSD.” — Kirsty, Oregon

“Volunteering in a variety of ways has given me opportunities to test my executive functioning and develop mechanisms to get things right, all while being in a low-pressure environment. (I’m not in danger of losing a job if I make a mistake or forget to do something while volunteering.)” — Trish, South Africa

To Make a Difference on Your Terms

“I worked with adult immigrants helping them learn English. The contact with others was beneficial both socially and mentally. It was challenging and provided me with variety and a sense I was making a difference.” — Kathy, Minnesota

“Being able to give back and help is so healing for me mentally. The injustices and cruelties of this world most definitely take a heavier toll on me because of my ADHD. Being able to walk away from a task or event knowing that I made a small difference helps.” — Heather, New Jersey

“I volunteer at a cat shelter, and I’ve found it satisfying because, unlike my demanding professional career, it is concrete, task-based work. I scoop the litter, refresh food and water, clean the kennels, and visit the cats. It involves little decision-making and multi-tasking. When I’m finished, I go home. I don’t have to be mentally agile, and yet I do meaningful work.” — Jean, Michigan

“In 1991, I founded and became president of the Attention Deficit Disorder Association of Missouri. We met twice a month and, at the end of the month, we had a speaker. We also had a lending library and a hotline. I also wrote a puppet show for children, teachers and anyone who wants to know about ADHD. This show won a medal from the governor. All of these things have greatly helped me learn more about my own ADHD and have taught me many ways I can help myself and my son, who also has ADHD.” — Barb, Missouri

“I volunteer often at my kids’ schools. When I worked a ‘real’ job, I couldn’t keep up. I was stressed and felt like a failure as an employee and a mother. Volunteering allows me to work at my own pace and decide which jobs I want to do or can handle. It allows me to feel accomplished. — Erin, Maryland

“I lead a small group for teenage girls, many of whom have ADHD or struggle with mental health challenges like ASD, anxiety, and depression. They’re all a bit different from the norm, which is what I love about them. I want to provide them with the kind of support, acceptance, and guidance that I wish I had when I was growing up. Educating myself on how best to facilitate this group is what led me to pursue my own ADHD diagnosis. Leading this group can be very challenging at times, but it’s also very rewarding and fulfilling to see the positive impact it has on these girls. The mental health benefit is great, because it helps me feel like I am impacting the world around me (in my own small ways) for good.” — Trish, South Africa

Interested in Volunteering? Heed These Reader Tips

“Find something that matters to you. Accept that your contribution may not be enjoyable but know that you’re making a difference.” — Kalena, Florida

“Put yourself and your skills forward and explain how you could be of benefit. Once you’re in, immerse yourself. Reflect from time to time on what is going well with volunteering and what you can improve.” — Mary, Australia

“Find an organization that can be flexible with the amount of time and level of activity you commit. That way you can make adjustments as needed before you get overwhelmed or regret your decision to volunteer. It should be a positive experience, not a burden.” — Jennifer, Missouri

“There is no shame in trying out various volunteer opportunities to see what works for you, your schedule, your internal motivations, and your experience. If you find someone who is happy volunteering, ask them what they do and don’t like about that role and organization, and compare that to what you are personally looking for.” — Cecelia

Where ADDitude Readers Volunteer

• churches and faith-based organizations
• hospitals and mental health/wellbeing groups (e.g., addiction recovery centers, crisis centers, survivors of domestic violence, CHADD, grief support)
• animal shelters, sanctuaries, zoos (e.g., horse sanctuaries, Sea Turtle Preservation Society)
• neighborhood homeowners association
• recycling, clean up, and beautification groups
• housing programs, shelters, and food banks/meal delivery services
• local, state, and national parks, conservation groups
• art organizations, libraries, and museums (e.g., film festivals, performing arts centers, historical societies)
• schools and youth organizations (e.g., Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, PTA, alumni associations)
• sports and athletic organizations (e.g., school teams, Special Olympics)
• political and civic organizations

Benefits of Volunteering: Next Steps

• Read: The Cure for Adolescent ‘Negativity Loops?’ Community Service
• Read: 7 Keys to Living a Happy Life with ADHD
• Read: Are You Ducking and Dodging the Connections You Need Most?

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Adults and caregivers reported that the process of searching for the right medication — the one with highest efficacy, fewest side effects, and covered by insurance — is often frustrating, but essential. Persevering through the often confusing, time-consuming, and inconvenient process leads to better management of ADHD symptoms in the end for most. Here, ADDitude readers share their experiences, both the bothers and benefits of trialing medications.

“There was one person in an ADHD support group who made a comment that changed my life. She mentioned that the seventh medication she tried was the right one for her. That made me decide to give medication a second chance, and try a few more. I could not have finished my Ph.D. without it.” — Heather, Canada

“Trial and error is generally a nightmare. School is not the best place to observe how a new med is or isn’t working; teachers usually don’t have the time, energy, or patience to report back accurately. We also had to change formulations several times due to the whims of insurance.” — An ADDitude Reader

“There are not enough resources to help people navigate going on and off medications while trialing. How long should I be on it? What about side effects? How does this relate to hormone changes throughout the month for women?” — Madeline, UK

[Download: Free Guide to Hormones & ADHD in Women]

“Medication trials have taken so long because our doctors are scared to do anything. It’s something that should be done quickly to find the optimal dose but they keep us in limbo because they’re not confident in their ADHD knowledge. We’re having to wait and wait and wait while our kids are struggling. It has a ripple effect on our entire household.” — An ADDitude Reader

“The process of trying out one medication after another slowly and methodically is very difficult to manage for most people who have ADHD.” — Tyler, California

“It was 10 years before I found a medication that helped me more than it made me feel worse. It’s important to kick a medication if it’s not working, even if it has worked previously.” — Juniper, Oregon

[Read: The ADHD Medication Stopped Working! How to Troubleshoot Treatment]

“Trial and error is hard. Then you find a medication that works and the manufacturer stops making it or the generic version, and you have to start the whole process again. So frustrating.” — An ADDitude Reader

“Finding the right match for children takes time and clear communication with schools and caregivers, which is sometimes very difficult.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I don’t feel that I have found the right medication yet. I’m very sensitive to medication and side effects also make it difficult to try different ones.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I have a really hard time tracking my symptoms and noticing changes on my own.” — Ashley, Minnesota

“The process of finding the right one can be very frustrating, but it’s worth being patient.” — Ali, North Carolina

“I wish there were easier ways to find the right medications for people with ADHD rather than trial and error.” — An ADDitude Reader

“Be patient. Give the medication time as you adjust dosage. Try other types if you need to. Everyone is different, and when you find the one that works, it is life changing in a fabulous way!” — Marcia, New York

“I’m hopeful that neuroscience will someday be able to treat ADHD without endless failed attempts with medication.” — An ADDitude Reader

Medication for ADHD Trial and Error: Next Steps

• Read: How Do We Know the Treatment Is Working?
• Read: Time to Switch to a New ADHD Medication?
• Watch: How to Optimize ADHD Medication – Achieving Better Symptom Management
• Learn: ADHD Medication Options – Stimulants, Non-stimulants & More

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Spending time with our four-legged family members improves our mental health and well-being more than some other activities, Hannah Raila, Ph.D., co-author of a new study on human-animal relationships, told ADDitude. The study, “The Influence of Interactions with Pet Dogs on Psychological Distress,” was published in the journal Emotion and involved 73 adults between the ages of 25 and 77 and their dogs. ¹

In a conversation with ADDitude, Raila discussed the research.

Why did you decide to do this study? What were you hoping to learn?

Human-animal interaction has always seemed promising for reducing distress, but many studies are correlational — they found that pet owners were happier without concluding cause and effect. They couldn’t rule out the possibility that happier people were simply more likely to get pets. So, we wanted to run a study where people who felt distressed would be randomly assigned to spend time with their pet. That way, if we saw some mood benefit, we could conclude that the time with the pet dog was actually causing the owner to feel better — and this is indeed what we found.

[Could You Have Anxiety? Take This Symptoms Test]

Did any findings surprise you?

I was surprised that the owners’ self-reported attitudes toward animals and the bond with their dogs didn’t predict how spending time with their pets affected their mood. We found that all participants who interacted with their dogs following exposure to a stressful task showed greater positivity and reductions in anxiety than those who waited for a set amount of time or those who used a coloring book to ease stress.

What were the biggest takeaways from the study?

The biggest takeaway is that pet dogs improve mood, which supports the direct psychological benefit of pet dogs and has implications for the benefit of emotional support animals. When a dog owner feels upset, turning to their pet may reduce their distress in the moment.

	The Dogs of ADDitude Readers shared how their pets lift their spirits, inspire exercise, and provide snuggles when they need it most. This boy seems to know exactly what people need. He is so cuddly and funny! Thank you, universe, for sending Chester to us.
	My dog is a natural healer. She heals everyone she comes in contact with.
	My furry soulmate, Copper, motivates me every morning to get up and get started on our routine. He gives the best snuggles and kisses during hard times.
	Mickey O’Malley seems to know when my anxiety is up. He’ll step on my foot, lean into me, and start licking my hand until I pet him. He is the bestest boy ever.
	Maple has been my cheerleader. Her energetic, always happy personality has helped me through many difficult times. If not for her, I would have spent many days stuck in my bed.
	Ruby is my adventure girl. We go hiking and to the beach. She knows when I am anxious, and gently offers regulating interaction. Caring for her needs helps me to structure my day, and to prioritize my own care. Time spent exercising with her adds productive hours to my days.
	This is Yzma. She’s aggressively social and has zero survival instincts.

Looking for More Dogs?

Hundreds of ADDitude readers shared photos of their emotional support animals at additu.de/dogs.

Emotional Support Animals for ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: ADHD and Pet Therapy
• Read: Equine Therapy for ADHD
• Download: Rate How Well You Handle Stress
• Listen: “Mindfulness and Self-Regulation Strategies for Children with ADHD”

Hannah Raila, Ph.D., is an assistant teaching professor in the psychology department at the University of California Santa Cruz.
Carole Fleck is Editor-in-Chief at ADDitude.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Source

¹Matijczak, A., Yates, M.S., Ruiz, M.C., Santos, L.R., Kazdin, A.E., Raila, H. (2023). The Influence of Interactions with Pet Dogs on Psychological Distress. Emotion. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0001256

Here are some of the reflections, self-directed pep talks, sayings, and favorite inspiring quotes that readers shared:

“I am a good person. I deserve love. I am calm. I am peace.”

“My emotions are valid, and I am allowed to have them.”

“This is only temporary. You will not feel this way forever, even though it seems that way. Breathe through it.”

[Free Download: Emotional Regulation & Anger Management Scripts]

“Feelings aren’t facts.”

“I am free to choose the palette of my emotional sky.”

“Will I care about this in a year’s time?”

“What would my 80-year-old self say to me about this?”

“Time for chocolate.”

“Now that was an ADHD moment!”

“I have enough. I do enough. I am enough.”

“When I feel like I have failed before I’ve started, I say, ‘One percent is better than no percent.'”

“I am not my diagnosis. I am made of power and love, and I am sound in mind.”

“Is this situation life-threatening? Am I okay? If this were happening to a friend, what would I say to them?”

“Don’t let doubts take up real estate in your mind. You’ve got this.”

[Read: You Are Not the Sum of Your ADHD Challenges]

“I love me.”

“I am a good enough parent; no child wants a perfect parent.”

“I’ll get there when I get there (since I’m always late).”

“My worth does not depend on my accomplishments. I have a purpose: to accept the challenges God gave me and to try my best. And that’s what I do.”

“Things are always worse in your head. This too shall pass.”

“Done is better than perfect.”

“You are doing a great job. I’m very proud of you.”

“We can’t always be the best, but we always have the choice to do our best.”

“I am confident. I am kind. I don’t care what other people think. I am in charge of my own feelings and emotions. I am going to do this one nice thing today: [fill in the blank]. And I am grateful for: [fill in the blank].”

“You’re stressed right now, but you have a history of snatching victory out of the jaws of defeat.”

“Life is an adventure or nothing at all. And adventures will make you late for dinner.”

Positive Affirmations for ADHD Adults: Next Steps

• Free Download: The ADHD Healthy Habits Handbook
• Read: 20 Rules to Live By — My ADHD Life Guide
• Read: 10 ADHD Quotes to Save for a Bad Day
• eBook: The Emotions of ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

For many ADDitude readers, falling in love is an intense, all-consuming experience. The dopamine rush of having a new crush or of being in love is “addicting,” as one reader describes, creating the perfect setting for dopamine-charged hyperfixation and big emotions to take over (especially when it’s unrequited love).

What Is Limerence?

When pining for someone’s love and attention becomes obsessive and disruptive, as has happened to some of our readers, that’s a state known as limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. (#CommissionsEarned)

“Limerence is, above all else, mental activity,” Tennov writes.¹ “It is an interpretation of events, rather than the events themselves. You admire, you are physically attracted, you see, or think you see (or deem it possible to see under ‘suitable’ conditions), the hint of possible reciprocity, and the process is set in motion.”

Tennov adds that hope and uncertainty of the other person’s feelings keeps individuals stuck in limerence, which can last for years. “Limerence can live a long life sustained by crumbs,” she writes.

[Read: From Love Bombing to Boredom — Is ADHD to Blame for Mercurial Relationship Cycles?]

Limerence: Signs of Obsessive Infatuation¹

• intrusive thinking about your “limerent object” (LO) often in the form of compulsive daydreaming and replaying memories with the LO
• acute longing for reciprocation
• experiencing emotional ups and downs depending on the LO’s actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
• reading too much into the LOs actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
• fear of rejection by the LO
• avoiding or downplaying the LO’s negative attributes

Limerence and ADHD: Your Stories of Desperate Longing

What happens when romantic longing clashes with ADHD emotional dysregulation, hyperfocus, rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), and a dopamine-starved brain? You get the stories below, from our readers.

“Falling in love is immediately all consuming. My hyperfocus and fixation are insane. I lose hours, days, weeks, and months to my obsession. And then, at some point, the dopamine runs out and my fixation-fug lifts. I realize the person I’ve been obsessed with is just that — a person — and I withdraw. When the magic of dopamine is lost, seeing the other person ‘clearly’ is often crushingly disappointing — disappointing because there’s no way they (or anyone) could ever be the permanent dopamine-high I’m constantly seeking, and disappointing because, once again, I’ve completely lost myself to madness and obsession. I actually stopped dating 10 years ago because I couldn’t handle the cycles of huge obsession followed by crushing disappointment.” — Vanessa, United Kingdom

“I have often experienced limerence with people I have dated. They consume my thoughts. I would always think about them and imagine a future with them. Therapy has helped me take dating one step at a time and only focus on the information that has been presented to me, not what I make up.” — Logan, West Virginia

[Read: “My Darling, My Dopamine.”]

“That ol’ hyperfocus, combined with the rush of feelings and sensations, paired with a vintage rejection dysphoria? It makes for a heady, terrifying time. Those of us with strong emotions and a tendency to fixate have it worse than neurotypical folks. But it can be a beautiful roller coaster of high highs and awful lows.” — Suzi, Texas

“My crushes occupy a large portion of my thoughts and make it hard to concentrate. I’ve even experienced falling in love with someone I didn’t like! It was like getting on a bus from which I couldn’t disembark. All of my feelings seem bigger than neurotypical feelings, but, honestly, I associate these feelings with being alive and truly experiencing life.” — Jennifer, California

“I pick someone who doesn’t return the feeling (in some cases, someone I’ve never spoken to) and obsess over them for a long time. It can be years. I don’t want to be this way. I’m recently diagnosed and have realized that this is emotional dysregulation, RSD, and limerence. I have no idea how to stop it.” — Kat, United Kingdom

“I am ALL IN when I fall in love. I definitely hyperfixate on my romantic interests. When I find a crush or get in a relationship, it always completely takes over my life. If they do not reciprocate, I obsess over it. — Casey, North Carolina

“I fall in love hard and fast, but it’s all in my head. My imagination works overtime, building a perfect relationship and planning our futures together, but I fail to communicate it to the object of my fantasy relationship. Then, when I try to make a move, I do it too fast. I come across as overly needy, clingy, controlling. I scare them off, and I’m all alone once again.” — Jeff, Canada

“I once was so in love with a crush who was already someone else’s long-term boyfriend that I spent years with intense hurtful emotions over someone with whom I’d never be. Breakups and unrequited love are still the most vivid memories of emotional pain I experienced, even though I’ve been happily married for years.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I used to fall all in. It actually felt like that: Falling. I had no control over it, couldn’t hold myself back, and had no limits. There was no stopping it. I hated it, because I was aware of what was happening, but I still couldn’t get out of the hyperfixation that often resulted in unhealthy and limitless behavior.” — An ADDitude Reader

“After years of searching, I finally found a healthcare provider and psychological therapist, both of whom I love because they genuinely care about me on my path to restored physical and mental health. What’s not to love? They affirm and validate me, none of which I get from my spouse. My healthcare provider is married with kids. I fantasize about becoming involved in his personal life, getting to know his wife and kids, babysitting if he and the wife want to take a weekend away, house-sitting if they take family vacations, all that. My therapist is a few years older than me. He’s not married. I fantasize about my husband dying before me, and me falling in love and marrying my therapist. Both of these fantastic scenarios bring me albeit false happiness and peace! Crazy? But that’s where I am. I cling (from afar) to those who care about me.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I become all immersed in romance and find it very hard to focus on any other areas of my life. I get addicted to the feeling of being in love. When I see signs that the other person is losing interest, I double down on my efforts to please them. All the while, I’m very aware that my behavior is not doing me any favors.” — Marta, United Kingdom

“Pre-medication, crushes would take over my life, and so would break-ups, even though I was always the one initiating the breakup. I have to have a lot of help from talk therapy to work on how to be in a romantic partnership long-term.” — Brianna, Washington

“If a woman is nice to me, I immediately start sounding out how my last name would sound as her new last name. I fall head over heels in love. It is awful. I have asked out so many women at work that I am afraid of being fired for it.” — Eric, Texas

“I’ve been happily married for many years now, but, when I was single, I would completely focus and fixate on someone, even when I knew they weren’t right for me. When it didn’t work out, I was devastated, but I somehow convinced myself — perhaps because of RSD — that we were meant to be, and they just couldn’t see it. It took me many years after my diagnosis at 38 to connect that behavior to ADHD.” — Robyn, Canada

Limerence and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Read: The ADHD Guide to Deciphering a Date
• Read: Healing from Heartbreak, the ADHD Way

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹ Tennov, D. Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. New York: Stein and Day; 1979.

If you answered yes to any of the above, then you share a lot in common with our ADDitude readers, many of whom experience strong sensory reactions to food based on taste, texture, smell, and/or temperature. Sensory sensitivities, after all, commonly occur with ADHD, autism, and other forms of neurodivergence.

Aversions to certain foods can create minor inconveniences around eating, but in extreme cases — as is the case for some of our readers — food aversions and selective eating are due to avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID), a condition wherein food avoidance or restriction is based on sensory characteristics and qualities of food, concern about aversive consequences of eating, and/or a lack of interest in food. ARFID, especially if untreated, is often accompanied by nutritional deficiencies and quality-of-life problems.

ARFID, Food Aversions, and Picky Eating: Your Stories

“I suspect that I have ARFID — troublesome but not severe. If I do eat meat, it will be a small serving, and it has to be extra, extra well done, almost burnt. I don’t like mushy, runny, moist textures like flan, tapioca, and runny eggs. Hot foods have to be hot, because cold food makes me gag. Foods can’t touch on my plate. As a child, dinner time was sometimes unpleasant because I was made to eat foods I didn’t like, including foods that had been mixed all on one plate. ” — Sara, Texas

“I had never heard of ARFID before reading about it in ADDitude. My daughter, who is in her 30s, definitely has this and has had it since she was a toddler! Life would have been so much easier for us if a diagnosis had been made. The problem we have now is finding someone who knows about this and can treat it. My daughter thinks she’s a ‘freak.’ My heart breaks for her. She NEVER eats anything except for pizza late at night. I fear for her mental and physical health.” —  Wendy, Canada

[Take This Self-Test: Signs of ARFID in Adults]

“I don’t eat any fruits or vegetables. I don’t like the smell of any dark-green vegetables. I eat lots of pasta and pizza, but the tomato sauce must be smooth. I drink juice only without pulp. I eat grape jelly only, no other kinds. I eat meat without fat or it has to be cooked medium-well or fried hard. Fish must be white and dry. I do take supplements and vitamins. I am 54 years old, and I didn’t know this was a thing with a name (ARFID) until very recently. I grew up in a clean-your-plate household, so it taught me to be sneaky about getting rid of vegetables and other things I didn’t want to eat. As a child, my uncle taught me how to order food in restaurants (ask for plain pasta, rice, or potatoes, and request meat or chicken to be grilled or sautéed). He was sick of my parents making such a big deal about my eating when he just wanted to go out to dinner.” — Julie, Georgia

“My son has been extremely picky since he was a baby. His diet is restricted to hamburgers with ketchup only, chicken nuggets with ranch, PB&J, macaroni and cheese, some fruit, and carrots (which are a new thing for him, but they need ranch). Every time I give him a new food that I think he will love, he gags and runs to the bathroom to throw it up.” — Angela

“I cannot stand anything that is gelatinous or wiggly (jelly, Jell-O, custard, boba, etc.). I am also disgusted by any meat/fish/poultry that contains visible fat, gristle, tendons, skin, bones, and/or is processed into a gelatinous cube. One bite of gristle and I’ll gag and toss out the rest of the meal. When I was younger, I had issues with hypoglycemia because of my imbalanced diet. Now, I eat meat/fish/poultry that is lean, boneless, and skinless, and I make sure each meal contains adequate protein. But you’ll never catch me at a steakhouse or BBQ joint — yuck!” — Jennifer, California

“At 43, I still cannot eat a majority of green vegetables. My diet is very limited, which limits where we can go to dinner as a family. It affects social gatherings, where I may have to bring my own food. I react to a combination of taste, smell, texture, and sight of different foods. My sense of smell is very strong — once I don’t like the smell of something, I refuse to try it. It has affected my health, as I have to take vitamins every day to make up for the lack of nutrition.” — Kelly, New York

[Get This Free Download: The Eating Disorders Associated with ADHD]

“My husband has a texture reaction to onions and other vegetables in food; he eats like an 8-year-old. This does affect his health, and I no longer cook healthy things I like because he complains of the smell. My health has plummeted since I now eat mostly what he eats; fried food, potatoes, red meats. I have considered buying prepared meals to get my missing veggies but have not found the right ones.” — An ADDitude Reader

“Mint and cilantro are absolute no-gos for me. I avoid any foods, even at restaurants, that may have hidden cilantro. I use unflavored toothpaste (literal godsend for me!) and I water down my mouthwash. Going to the dentist is traumatic only because of the intense mint flavors seemingly in everything they use. I have to ask them to water everything down or use polish with limited flavor (or a kids flavor) to avoid throwing up.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I cannot STAND foods that are solid but turn mushy while chewing, like bananas, beans, and avocado. I gag after the first bite. I love foods that are homogeneous in texture all the way through, like pudding and yogurt, or foods with varied textures all the way through, like mashed beans with tortilla chips and guacamole.” — Etti

“My favorite foods are typically plain or salty comfort foods that I liked eating as a kid and that have little to no nutritional value. I avoid fruit unless it’s cold, most vegetables unless they’re cooked, water unless it’s cold and filled with ice, and so many other things. I struggle to eat a balanced diet, if I remember to eat at all.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I have aversions to certain smells and textures, and executive dysfunction creates challenges around preparing and eating food. Take chicken: I don’t like the texture or taste of chicken on its own. But shred it and mix it with quinoa or into a stew, and it’s no problem! I also like fruits, but I’m much better at eating them if they’re cut up, or else they’ll remain on my desk, untouched. Pre-peeling, cutting, and packing fruits transforms them from an EF stumbling block to a healthy snack. If you have a food aversion, I highly recommend digging around to pinpoint the exact problem, because a solution may be easier than you think. Sometimes it requires letting go of expectations or shame. I only eat crustless sandwiches, which is something I get teased for, but I don’t care!” — Natalia, Pennsylvania

Food Aversions, ARFID, and Picky Eating: Next Steps

• Read: Got a Picky Eater on Your Hands? Here’s How to Cope
• Take This Self-Test: ARFID in Children
• Read: ADHD and Eating Disorders
• Read: More Than Picky Eating — Feeding Difficulties in Children

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